& amidst all of this, I still believe.

Here’s to happiness.

It has been so long since I have actually sat down and wrote about what I was thinking/feeling/needing/wanting.

My life has changed so much in the last year…some for the better, (actually mostly for the better) and some for the worst.

Walking out on my marriage was something I never thought I would have the guts to do, but in the end…you have to be really fucking selfish and just do what makes you happy.

Living on my own for almost a year REALLY helped me see what it is I need/want out of people & life in general.

I’m a strong, confident, beautiful WOMAN who can survive just fine on her own. I don’t need anyone to lean on, I am my own support system….Or so I was.

Nearly 5 months ago, the most amazing thing happened, I found him.

The one I had been searching for in my husband for years, but never realizing it wasn’t SOMETHING I was looking for, it was SOMEONE, and I just hadn’t found him yet.

I am finally happy, the kinda happy that makes all my friends want to vomit every time I open my mouth.

The kind of happy that makes you grateful for literally everything in your life, a happiness that can’t really even be described, well actually most people would call it being in love.

And that I am. :-)

Don’t let me fall

Underneath the moon
Underneath the stars
Here's a little heart
For you
Up above the world
Up above it all
Here's a hand to hold on to

But if i should break
If i should fall away
What am i to do
I need someone to take
A little of the weight
Or I'll fall through

You're just the one that I've been waiting for
I'll give you all that I have to give and more
But don't let me fall

Take a little time
Walk a little line
Got the balance right aha
Give a little love
Gimme just enough
So that i can hang on tight

We will be alright
I'll be by your side
I won't let you down
But i gotta know
No matter how things go
That you will be around

You're just the one that i've been waiting for
I'll give you all that i have to give and more
But don't let me fall
Don't let me fall

Underneath the moon
Underneath the stars
Here's a little heart
For you
Up above the world
Up above it all
Here's a hand to hold on to

You're just the one that I've been waiting for
I'll give you all that I have to give and more
But don't let me fall

You'll be the one that I'll love forever more
I'll be here holding you high above it all
But don't let me fall

& it all falls apart.

I never thought I would become one of those people.
One of those people who questions their marriage.
How long do you hold onto someone who checked out long ago?

I’ve always been such a stickler on making marriages last…and saying people should never get divorced…and here I am asking myself if that could be the answer.

I just want to be happy…I just want to feel loved.
Words only mean so much, and taking care of someone financially is not the same as taking care of someone emotionally. I swear I feel like most of the time my husband hates me.

Or maybe my expectations are too high….I don’t know, I’m just so lost and confused and I love that man so much more than he could ever love me, and that’s what scares me.

I want him to be happy.
I want me to be happy.

Most of all I just want to stop crying.

My heart hurts everyday, and I feel like there is no one I can talk to.
I am all alone, and I am screaming at the top of my lungs…& no one hears me.

I feel myself slowly dying inside.

I’m becoming the pitiful little girl who left covington 5 years ago.

Maybe couseling is a good idea.
At this point I’m willing to do anything to make him happy.
I just hope this isn’t the beginning of the end.

Through the eyes of a child.

We took Brooklyn Sledding today, and just seeing the look in her eyes while she coasted down the sea of white was amazing. To think that this was something new and exciting to her, something she has never been able to experience was just mind-blowing to me. It’s so easy for us to take things forgranted once we have done them time and time again and they are nothing new to us anymore. I hope my daughter always keeps that innocence and sense of wonderment about her, because it is something I feel I could definitely use more of…All in all, today was such a wonderful day.